


August Angst

by NoctisSicarius



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 3 Female OCs, 3 Male OCs, ALL THE ANGST, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, Annoying Luke Skywalker, Augustangst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo POV, Bloody Skywalkers, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Child Death, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional Roller Coaster, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Finn POV, First Stop Trope Town, Force Bond, Force Ghost Luke Skywalker, Force dreams, Funeral, Grief/Mourning, Grieving, Grumpy Rey, Han POV, Hux is Not Nice, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Knights of Ren - Freeform, Kylo POV, Kylo Ren is a Mess, Kylo Ren is an idiot, Leia POV, Liberal use of the word Kriff, Love Letters Trope, Might-Have-Been, Mild Gore, Mind Reading, Minor Character Death, Mourning, Off screen child death, Past Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Protective Rey, Regret, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey POV, Rey is a mess, Reylo - Freeform, Snoke POV, Snoke is a dick, Visions of the Future, all aboard the pain train, angst if you squint, minor finnrose, stages of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-06-21 14:01:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 17,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15559290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoctisSicarius/pseuds/NoctisSicarius
Summary: 31 prompts from the hashtag AugustAngst on Twitter, all within the cinematic Star Wars universe.All prompts now filled!





	1. Sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kate_Reid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_Reid/gifts), [situation_normal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/situation_normal/gifts).



Sacrifice

_noun_

  1. An act of slaughtering an animal or person or surrendering a possession as an offering to a deity.




 

 

Blood.

It’s sticky on Ben’s fingers.

This is what keeps him alive.

It’s what keeps Rey alive…

…Rey… _REY!_

The blood wasn’t in Rey anymore. It was pouring out of a wound in her chest. His lightsaber dropped  to the ground by his side, the blade extinguishing as it fell. Red, like her. So, _so_ much red.

_There’s too much red!_

“No, no no no no no no no! REY, NO!”

He pressed as hard as he could on the wound, as if he could force the blood back inside her body.

She was so pale now--her eyes closed, her skin a dusty grey.

Ben pulled her to his chest, closing his own eyes.

“Please, please, _please,_ Rey, _please_ stay alive.”

Tears poured freely down his face.

There were others.  They were not important. In this moment, there was only Rey and the Force.

Resting his head on hers, he begged.

“Please--I’ll do anything, give up anything, sacrifice anything! Just keep her alive.”

He whispered a prayer into her skin. “I can’t lose her, too.”

Then suddenly, there was blinding white light and a voice, which was as familiar as it was unknown to him.

“Are you sure?” the voice asked, resonating through him. “What are you willing to sacrifice to keep her?”

“Anything,” he pleaded. “Please, I’ll give up everything I am, everything I was. _Please,_ I’ll sacrifice anything you ask; just keep her alive.”

“Very well.”

Pain like no other ripped through Ben. It felt like fire in his veins and hot coals in his bones.

He screamed, an anguished wail that seemed barely human.

_I’ll endure this, I’ll endure anything as long as Rey is alive._

He could feel the Force becoming fainter--the thin threads that connected him to the life around him floated away like cobwebs when cut.

It ended as suddenly as it began.

Ben opened his eyes. He couldn’t feel Rey anymore. He just had to hope.

 

He had to hope his sacrifice had been enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr @whyjustanotherpassingfancy if you want to have a chat!
> 
> For Kate_Reid for listening to my hot mess comments on her work and being an amazing hooman and agreeing the Beta this for little ole' me.  
> For situation_normal whose comments have been fuel to my writing fire!


	2. Deny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 2 of the August Angst hashtag.
> 
> Today's theme: Deny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be gentle, I've not done something like this in a while.

Deny

_verb_

 

  1. state that one refuses to admit the truth or existence of.




 

 

Luke sat amidst the burning wreckage of his temple. The destruction wrought was amazing--entire buildings brought to flaming rubble.

 _And it was all his fault_.

NO! He refused to think that. This was all the darkness in Ben. This is what he had seen in his mind.

_But would it have happened if you hadn’t lit your saber?_

The bodies of the few padawans he had managed to find were strewn about the place. Some were hacked to literal pieces while others seemed to be lying asleep, not a scratch on them.

 _And none bear his energy_.

No. He had to have killed some of them--like grandfather, like grandson, Luke presumed.

_You know that’s not true; if you had only told him sooner…_

Luke closed his eyes. This was the end of the Jedi. His own nephew had done this; perhaps it was a sign from the Force. Luke slowly blocked out everything around him, slipping into a well-practised meditation.  He began the arduous task of slowly making that strong meditation close in on itself, until he was the only thing he could feel in the Force, and then until he couldn’t feel himself, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr @whyjustanotherpassingfancy if you want to have a chat!


	3. Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is very lightly angsty. Like, squint and you might find some. But I couldn't write Anakin and Padme and not have some fluffy goodness...I'M SORRY DON'T HATE ME

Ghost

_noun_

 

  1. an apparition of a dead person which is believed to appear or become manifest to the living, typically as a nebulous image.




 

Anakin couldn’t remember the last time that he felt this light. Or this… warm?

 

He honestly felt like he was floating on some weird cloud, bathed in sunlight.

 

The next thing he noticed was the strength of his connection to the Force. He could feel it flowing through him--strong and powerful and for the first time, balanced and whole and calm.

 

“ANAKIN SKYWALKER, WAKE UP! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO GET YOUR SORRY ASS IN HERE SO I CAN BEAT YOU TO A PULP?!”

 

Anakin jumped; all that previous calm and warmth was replaced with fury. The Force coiled tightly around him, ready to dispatch any imminent threat.

 

His eyes slowly came into focus, then narrowed on the small brunette in front of him.

 

The fury left him; his body deflated as quickly as it had coiled tight when he’d laid eyes on the figure before him.

 

“Padmé?” He was incredulous. His wife looked no older than the day he married her as she stood in front of him, one silk slipper raised ominously above her head.

 

She flew at him faster than he could react and rained fury upon him with the slipper.

 

“You killed padawans and younglings, choked me, attempted to kill your old master when he tried to protect me, TORTURED OUR OWN DAUGHTER and CHOPPED OUR SON’S HAND OFF! You have no idea how much trouble you are in, Anakin!”

 

“Padmé, _ow_ , Padmé, _kriff_ , _dammit, woman_! I haven’t seen you in years and this is— _ow_ \--what you do?!” He pushed his arms out, holding his tiny wife away from him, her blows now landing on his arms and not his head.

 

“Oh, I think she’s earned the right to beat you over the head, Anakin.” Anakin’s head shot up.  Standing a few feet away was--“Master Qui-Gon?” The long-haired older man smiled like the loth-cat that got the cream.

 

“In the flesh? Well, no, but you get the idea.”  Qui-Gon was smirking at him!

 

Anakin released his wife, who had stopped her long-overdue chastisement of her husband and was now watching the conversation with an amused smirk on her lips. 

 

Anakin stood up to his full height, a frown on his face.  “So, I’m truly dead then.”

 

“Yes.” Qui-Gon’s smile never faltered.

 

“And where am I, then?”

 

“You are truly a part of the Force now.”

 

“And what of my children--can I see them?”

 

At this, Qui-Gon smiled even wider. “Well now, what do you think, Master Yoda?” Qui-Gon looked past Anakin.

 

Anakin whipped around to see the tiny green master walking forward with his cane. Despite his recent return to the light, he was still grumpy with the old master.

 

“See his children, he can.”  Yoda chuckled.

 

“But you’re not going without me, Anakin. I need to see your son as well.” Obi-Wan had now appeared, seemingly out of nowhere next to Master Yoda. At this, Anakin truly looked lost.

 

“Go as well, I shall,” said Yoda.

 

“But how, we’re dead yes? How can we visit them?”  Anakin was bewildered.

 

At this, they all laughed. This time, Padmé stepped forward, “Tell me Anakin, what do you know of Force Ghosts?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr @whyjustanotherpassingfancy if you want to have a chat!


	4. Bleed

 

 

Bleed

 

 

_Verb_

  1. lose blood from the body as a result of injury or illness




 

Finn looked down at Rose, asleep on the cot in the Falcon. The cuts on her face and arms had finally stopped bleeding. The meagre bacta they could spare worked to close the deepest of her wounds.

 

He didn’t understand her. Risking your life to save another was not something he was taught as a stormtrooper. Neither was healing an injured soldier. Bodies were replaceable to the First Order--not worth the medical upkeep if they were damaged.

 

He'd escaped with Poe and Rey just because he _had_ to get away from the First Order as quickly as possible. That’s not to say he wouldn’t die for them now, but when he first met them, his mind was a mad scramble. All he could picture was SL-2538, bleeding on Jakku, wiping his hand across Finn's helmet as he died.

 

He looked down at Rose, someone he had known for barely a day, but had risked her life to stop him from ending his.  Her sacrifice made very little sense to Finn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr @whyjustanotherpassingfancy if you want to have a chat!


	5. Funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for Prompt #5 of August Angst: Funeral

 

Funeral

_Noun_

 

  1. a ceremony or service held shortly after a person's death, usually including the person's burial or cremation.




The jungle planet of Felucia was hot and humid. The heat, Rey could live with, but the humidity was driving her mad. The only thing keeping her sane in the muggy jungle, was the amazing variety of coloured plants.

With its pink, red-spotted Nysllin plants, tall turquoise flowering trees, deep green ferns, and even the yellowish haze that lingered over the ground, Felucia was incredibly colourful.

And so full of life.

Which was ironic, Rey thought, given the reason they were here.

General Organa had died.

* * *

 

They had barely made planetfall when Rey felt Leia's Force signature become taut, as though stretched to the absolute limit, hanging on as long as it could.

She had rushed to the captain's quarters on the _Falcon_ , determined to prove to herself that her feelings were wrong, that Leia was fine.

She instead was met with a gaunt, pale Leia, eyes closed and hands folded on her stomach, having her hair gently braided by—“Ben?” Rey whispered incredulously.

 

She was in such a rush to get here that she hadn’t noticed the smothering of the ship's gentle drone, hadn’t noticed how strongly she'd felt his presence.

 

Ben looked up at her, his expressive eyes filled with pain despite the blank mask on his face.

He swallowed, “I thought she was already dead.”

His mind flashed back to the battle after they'd chased the Resistance from D'Qar.  He remembered  stopping himself from firing on the bridge, his inability to stop his squad-mate from firing. He remembered watching the bridge explode, knowing that his mother was there, knowing that she would be pulled into the vacuum of space and would die within seconds.  Out there, her body would never decay.

Rey felt his anguish and his pain in that moment; it was so intense that it nearly threatened to buckle her knees.

“No,” she whispered, “She survived, pulled herself back into the ship using the Force. But the radiation she was exposed to, that close to a sun--it was irreversible.”

Rey locked the door behind her and walked further into the room, approaching the bed.  Though her eyes were on Leia, Rey was acutely aware that Ben was watching her every step.  She gently perched herself on the edge of the bed and took one of Leia’s hands.

 

Through her hands, she sent the older woman as much strength and warmth as she could muster,  hoping that it would prolong her life just a few seconds more, or at least send her off knowing she was loved.

 

Rey’s head shot up.

 

“Ben, give me your hand.”

 

She watched as Ben Solo disappeared behind the cruel mask of Kylo Ren.

 

“I am never touching you again!” he all but growled at her.

 

It was the same conversation they'd had in the months since Crait, refusing to be anywhere near where they could touch each other.  Bitterness and loneliness made them both defensive.

 

Rey didn’t have time for this today.

_Leia didn’t have time for this today._

 

Rey sighed. “Please, Ben, give me your hand. Let me show her that she didn’t lose everyone, that even if you aren’t Ben Solo anymore, you're still her son.”

 

Kylo hesitated, the angry mask slipping slightly.

Leia heaved a rattling breath, and the sound was enough for Ben to make his decision.

Haltingly, as though he was going to get his hand chopped off or slapped, he reached out to Rey.

 

Rey, sucking in her own nervous breath, carefully brought her left hand up, and placed it in Ben’s upturned right hand.

 

The bond between them gave a contented sigh, causing each of them to release the breaths they had unconsciously been holding.

 

Rey closed her eyes.  Acting purely on instinct, she reached out with their bond, a perfect blend of both Ben’s Force signature and her own, and searched for Leia’s signature.

 

Both Rey and Ben gasped when she found it.

 

The woman who normally shone so brightly in the Force was now reduced to the fickleness of a flickering flame. Determined, Rey pushed on, trying to wrap Leia in their shared energy.

Rey smiled when she felt the spark of recognition in Leia’s signature at finding Rey’s; she was taking a little longer to place Ben’s.

 

But as soon as she did, pure light and joy flooded over both of them--happiness like nothing either had ever felt before, strong enough to push Rey out of her trance.

 

They were both gasping for breath as they returned to the _Falcon_ , their eyes still on each other.

A shuddering breath from Leia made them both look up, hands still clasped as they looked towards their mother and mentor.

“Ben,” she sighed, with a tiny smile on her ashen lips.  And then, Leia Skywalker Organa Solo joined the Force.

 

Rey held Ben as he wept, her own nose buried in his hair as he clutched the back of her tunic.

* * *

 

Now, Rey watched as Chewie gently lifted the General’s body onto the funeral pyre. Her braids were woven with flowers, her hands clasped around her cane, her Alderaanian ring the only jewellery she wore.

This time, when the bond opened, Rey welcomed him in. She couldn’t keep him from his own mother’s funeral.

 

Chewie, Poe, and Rey all held torches whose flames cast an eerie, flickering light over the rest of the Resistance. As one, they walked forward and laid the torches against the pyre, then stepped back to re-join the circle of mourners.

 

Tears poured silently down Ben's face; he made no attempt to mask them.

 

“She should have been on Naboo, the planet of her mother, where she would have been honoured as the Princess she was,” Ben quietly told Rey.

Rey was tempted to remind Ben just whose fault it was that they couldn’t do exactly that, but she kept her mouth shut.

 

The fire burned long into the night.

Rey and Ben watched as the woman so beloved to both of them joined her husband in the stars.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr @whyjustanotherpassingfancy if you want to have a chat!


	6. Pieta

Pieta

_Noun_

  1. A sculpture by Michelangelo depicting the Virgin Mary holding the body of her son, Jesus
  2. From the Latin, _pietas_ meaning ‘dutifulness’ or ‘pity’.



 

He was tiny in her arms.  A miracle--or a curse from the Great Jawenko if you cared to listen to Jawas or Tusken Raiders.

She hadn’t believed it when she found herself swelling with child. Pregnant slaves weren’t efficient and were usually killed or sold. She was shocked that Watto kept her alive and allowed her to keep her son.

Her little Anakin.

He was always a very clever child who picked things up faster than any of his friends could. He had the bearing of someone many years older than he was, and an analytical mind that would see things almost before they happened.

It was at once the happiest and saddest day of her life when Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn swept into their lives, along with a strange green off-worlder called Jar-Jar and a young girl with a secret. Her dream of a better life for her son would finally be realised. He'd have a life where he could do something with his talents. Anakin would be a Jedi.

Watching her son walk away both strengthened her and broke her down. She so wished that one day, his missions would bring him back to her, if only for a moment.

But life went on without him.

Now, she wished her son had never returned to see her. Especially like this.

She was held in his arms. Such large arms. Her son was all grown up, tall and broad and muscled. His eyes though, his eyes were still the warm, expressive ones she knew so well.

Now, they were looking down at her with so, so much pain. Tears pooled in the corners of his eyes as he pleaded with her to stay.

But she knew her time was up.

Cradled in her son's arms, Shmi Skywalker joined the Force--and Darth Vader's shadow appeared for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	7. Yearn

Yearn

_Verb_

  1. Have an intense feeling of longing for something, typically something that one has lost or been separated from.



 

Kylo missed her.

He missed her gossamer hair in his fingers. He missed her warm eyes that held no judgement. He missed her smile that lit up a whole room. He missed her mouth and its cheeky responses. He missed every single different type of her kisses. Most of all, he missed her warm energy, so unlike his own, but so similar, too--the perfect contradiction.

 

His soul cried out for her own in the hours between the Force connecting them. It yearned for its equal, its other half, and it wasn’t letting Kylo go unpunished for his distance from her.

 

He would be in a military strategy meeting and would suddenly find himself remembering the way she would tilt her head when she was thinking about something.

He would be walking along the halls of the _Finalizer_ and would picture her here with him, draped in a billowing grey cloak, her very essence seeping into the ship around them.

He’d be tinkering with his lightsaber, trying to get the damn thing to be slightly more stable, and imagine her sitting next to him, offering helpful pointers from her vast knowledge of mechanics.

At night when he was trying to sleep, he’d picture her beside him, cuddled to his chest, her leg slung over his, murmuring his name in the night.

He’d picture her when the yearning got to be too much and he had to take himself in hand to release the pent-up desperation to be close to her.

He’d beg the Force every day to connect them--if only for a moment--so that his longing could be sated.

When he saw her in those moments, he guarded his thoughts very closely, unwilling to show his true feelings to her, fearful that they would drive her away.

He would take whatever she would give him, like a dog begging for scraps.  He'd take those scraps and be thankful because a monster like him didn’t deserve to yearn after an angel like her.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey missed him.

 

She missed his silken midnight hair as it tickled her cheek. She missed the intensity of his eyes on her own. She missed her scar on his face, the one that marked him as hers forever. She missed his small smirks and chuffing laughter. She missed his soft lips against her own and the feelings they stirred in her. She missed his intense Force presence--large and imposing like him, but warm and safe like a giant blanket wrapped around her soul.

 

Her soul cried out for his heart, yearning for the pieces to make them both whole again. It wanted its equal in everything and had only found that in Kylo. She wanted that, too.

 

She’d be with Poe and Finn who were cracking jokes and teasing each other and would picture Kylo beside her, leaning down to whisper something sarcastic in her ear.

She’d be working on the Falcon, and see Kylo looking up at the ship with disdain, before picking up a torque wrench and helping to fix whatever vital system had broken that day.

She would be going through her forms with her new lightsaber staff, practising the forms she found in the books from Ahch-To, and imagine him on the sidelines, his eyes roaming over her figure and murmuring suggestions to improve on.

She would imagine him while she was in the shower, his massive hands running down her body in the most gentle of caresses, whispering filthy things in her ear as she neared her peak.

She would be in her bed at night, and picture being snuggled into his broad chest, his arms wrapped securely around her, smothered in his scent.

 

Every day she meditated, she hoped that it would bring her to him. She'd resorted to pleading with the Force to grant her just a glimpse of him.

On those blessed days when he did appear, she guarded herself as thoroughly as she could,  mortified at the thought of him finding out the depth of her feelings. Secretly, she had started a new tally in her mind, scratching in every time she managed to make the Supreme Leader smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	8. Fate

Fate

_Noun_

  1. The development of events outside a person’s control, regarded as predetermined by a supernatural power.



 

The Force was many things, but the one thing no one told Rey was that it was just another name for fate.

And fate, it seemed, was not without a sense of irony.

They were in another snow-covered forest, on another planet that held a superweapon, the ground shaking beneath them.

There were differences--this time, both were reluctant to come to blows. Both held different weapons--Rey, a deep gold saberstaff and Kylo, a dark purple, nearly black version of his previous lightsaber. And they were so deeply entwined that they could predict the other's half-hearted moves before they happened. 

 

They had an audience, too--a circle of Resistance fighters and First Order stormtroopers and officers, making a kind of fighting ring. This was the last duel for the war.

 

The years following Crait had seen the First Order and the Resistance become evenly matched in fleet and infantry strength.

Since the General's passing, Poe had led the Resistance with his gentle charisma and tenacity.

Kylo was the face of the First Order, though he left the actual ruling to Hux, who had become his greatest ally.

When both sides realised that their armies would get them nowhere, they decided that the war would be settled by a duel between their two Force users. However, neither Force user knew about or had a say in the decision.

 

So now, here they stood in the snow, where everything was the same and yet so different.

Hate was the last thing on their minds.

But they had an audience, and so they danced.

They were so perfectly even now--Kylo’s brute force was matched by Rey’s athletic jumps and nimble movements. His Force attacks were repelled by an equal force--knowledge shared through the bond.

They may have fought for minutes or hours; neither knew. They were too wrapped up in their bond to care.

Both knew that the balance the galaxy needed came down to unity between the Light and the Dark, but years worth of old wounds and expectations had forced these two to find a new way to see fate’s work done.

Neither knew who decided it. It happened too quickly.

 

Rey’s swing sliced a hole in Kylo’s chest.

Kylo’s drove straight through Rey’s abdomen.

 

There was a rush of wind and then—nothing, as though everyone around them, even the Force, had gasped and been frozen in shock.

 

They collapsed together, holding each other close, blades extinguished. Their hands reached for each other’s faces, desperate to feel as they both slipped away. Their eyes met--longing and sadness and pain and acceptance and peace floated through the bond. 

 

A shared thought was no more than a whisper; they were fading too fast for it to be more.

_We will be together now, away from prying eyes and judgement, away from expectation and experience. Just us. Forever._

 

In a way, Rey supposed, their vision had come true--a future together, happy and blissful, but just not the way they'd imagined.

Kylo’s last thought, as he and Rey heaved their last breath, was his wish to have kissed Rey one last time.

 

* * *

 

On a snow-covered planet, the dark and the light fought twice. They first came together as enemies, fighting for survival, for causes not their own. They finished as lovers, two souls so perfectly in harmony that fate determined that they would be unable to live without each other. Those surrounding them spread the story. The war ended with the Resistance and the First Order working together, forming the First Alliance.

Rey and Kylo had proved, if nothing else, that the fate of one would be shared by the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	9. Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry that this is late my loves.  
> *Ducks flaming arrows*  
> I've been so darn busy the last two days that I didn't have chance to write until really late last night. But hey, two chapters in one day!

Tears

_Plural Noun_

  1. A drop of clear salty liquid secreted from glands in a person's eye when they cry or when the eye is irritated.



 

Ben hadn’t left her side.

She was so beautiful, his perfect angel. So still.

If it wasn’t for the shallow rise and fall of her chest, he’d believe she was simply a lovely sculpture. 

_She was so cold._

They had both been carried in after he'd given up his connection to the Force to heal her. He’d awoken first, panicked and desperate to see her. He’d rushed to her side, relieved that she was still breathing.

 

The medics warned him that she might never wake, but he didn't listen, holding her hand and crying silent tears of relief.

 

_She’ll come back to me. She promised._

 

That was three months ago.

In the first few weeks, he refused to believe the medics' dire prognosis, shaking his head whenever someone mentioned it to him, ignoring the pitying looks on their faces as he hovered over her, tears on his cheeks.

 

By the end of the first month, he was furious. He refused to let anyone near her, igniting his saber and slashing at equipment and walls until people got the hint and left him alone. Only Leia managed to get close to him, encouraging him to take care of himself, promising that she would guard Rey with her life in the brief moments he was gone. She would pull him to her whenever the anger got too much, and he just wept in her arms.

 

By the middle of the second month, he was begging. He’d taken to meditating beside her bed, pleading with the universe, with fate, with the Force, with anyone who would listen, begging them to bring her back to him. He swore on more than one occasion that he felt Luke in the room with him, but the feeling disappeared and he was reminded again that the Force didn’t bend to his will anymore. He slept beside her; when he woke, there was always a damp patch on the pillow from his tears.

By the end of the second month, he barely spoke. He was quiet, barely murmuring a greeting or acknowledging anyone who was near him. His usually impressive physique was waning. His eyes grew sunken and his skin even paler than before. He knew he was worrying his mother, hell, he was worrying Poe and Finn. He seemed to have run out of tears.

 

By the third month, he was himself again. He trained, he took care of himself, he ate. His skin returned to its usual pale but healthy glow.  His eyes became bright and focused once more. Every time he went to visit Rey, he’d tell her of the things he’d done in his day--the people he’d met, the lightsaber technique he’d mastered, the old wounds and scars he was slowly talking through with his mother. He’d whisper in her ear that he knew she’d come back for him. He also told her that if she was in pain, to let go. 

 

But still, Rey was silent and unmoving.

 

* * *

 

Nearly six months passed with no change. She was taken off life support--her physical injuries long healed--and moved to Ben’s rooms. He was a commander now, trusted by the Resistance. He would tell her of their struggles against the First Order. About how his mother was growing weaker. About how he feared that she would be joining the Force soon.

 

One morning, as he was waking, he clasped Rey’s hand in his own.

“You know, I wished so much for us once. I wished we could live on a small world in the Unknown Regions, just you and me, a little hut, and a garden.” He smiled down at her, brushing her hair from her face. “You’d manage to find a busted old speeder and spend months trying to teach me how to fix it; I’d try to show you how to cook.” He brushed one of his hands lightly over her closed eyes. “And maybe, we’d have children. I’d pictured three maybe, two girls and a boy. All with my dark hair  and your vibrant hazel eyes and giant smile. Definitely your ears; I wouldn't want them to have satellite dishes like mine.” He didn’t notice the way her hand had slightly tightened around his own. “And we’d watch them grow, away from the war, train them to be balanced in the Force--none of this Dark and Light nonsense. And then maybe, we’d grow old and grey.”

He smiled down at her softly.

“Rey, I still want that, but if you are torturing yourself trying to get back to me, don’t. Let yourself rest, Rey. I’ll be okay. I’ll find you again in another life.” He placed a chaste kiss on Rey’s forehead and went to pull away from her to get dressed, but found his hand clasped tightly in Rey’s. His eyes shot to hers.

Her eyes were still closed, and she seemed the same as before. But still, he couldn’t help but hope. He turned fully back to her. “Rey?” Nothing. He tried again, “Rey, Rey, if you can hear me, squeeze my hand.” He waited for a full five minutes--nothing. He was about to pull away, crushed, but then he felt it. Her hand twitched in his, just barely. His eyes flew open again as he watched Rey slowly, millimetre by millimetre, close her hand strongly around his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	10. Brood

Brood

_Verb_

  1. Think deeply about something that makes one unhappy, angry or worried.



 

If there was one thing Kylo was good at, it was brooding. Dressed in all black, his massive shoulders hunched and his head down, sat in his dark chambers with his helm in his hands, he looked the picture of miserable.

 

He hadn’t understood why it had happened. _How_ it had happened. How she had managed, untrained as she was, to slice him from hip to eye. The wound was red and angry, held together by medical glue and synth-skin while he healed.

 

He replayed the fight over and over in his head. He wasn’t trying to kill her. His master wanted her alive.  Besides, Kylo was curious. He hadn’t ever encountered someone anywhere near as powerful as he was in the Force, not even the students at Luke’s temple or any of the Knights of Ren. And yet, this slip of a desert girl was apparently as strong with it as he was. In fact, he was more than curious, he was intrigued.

He had been winning, forcing her to recognise that she didn’t stand a chance, when by some miracle, she began using his own moves against him. He was so astonished, this girl who had never held a lightsaber before that day--possibly even that very moment--was suddenly forcing him to give ground. _Using his moves_.

 

He was awed, impressed, and, as he admitted privately to himself much, _much_ later, slightly aroused by the way she had so thoroughly bested him.

 

He pushed those thoughts down as soon as they appeared. He knew that if his master saw what he was thinking, his punishment for the disaster would last much, much longer than it already would have.

 

So he sealed off his thoughts of her and put them in a tiny little bubble with impenetrable walls, hiding them not only from his master, but from himself.

 

Slipping his mask over his head, Kylo stood and prowled from his chambers, lightsaber at his hip,  preparing to receive another “lesson” from Supreme Leader Snoke.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	11. Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn is missing

 

Missing

_Adjective_

  1. (of a thing) Not able to be found because it is not in its expected place.
  2. Not present or included when expected or supposed to be.
  3. (of a person) Absent from a place, especially their home, and of unknown whereabouts.



Finn was missing.

He’d been missing for summer solstice and the autumn equinox.

Rose worried at her bottom lip, concern for her husband once again threatening to overwhelm her small form.

She was sitting on the front step of the house they had built together, watching the sun slowly setting over the ocean.  Beside her sat a cold, forgotten mug of tea.

 

The trees around her were changing from their usual gold and grey to a deep blue and white. The birds were calling in the trees around her, getting ready to roost for the night. Their two fathiers grazed in their paddock.

 

It seemed as though life around Rose went on as normal, and she couldn’t help but hate it because _Finn wasn’t here so it wasn’t normal!_

 

Every time a ship broke atmo, Rose would rush outside, hoping to see Finn’s yellow HH-87 Starhopper come through the clouds. When she looked up this time, she watched Rey’s J-Type Naboo Star Skiff, its trademark chrome gleaming in the sun, descend below the clouds and make for the private landing bays behind Rose’s house.

She sighed, grabbing her tea, and walked inside to wash her hands and turn on their housekeeping droid. _Finn was the one who could cook._

She walked back outside just in time to see Rey descending the boarding ramp. It’d been 6 months since Rose had last seen Rey.  She still wore arm wraps and outfits similar to the ones Rose was used to seeing her in. Now though, Rey's arm wraps were made from deep green Chuaghaine, her tunic from ivory Fleureline weave, and her pants from what looked to be black Veda cloth.

 

Rose smiled when she saw Rey pulling at the fabrics on her body, still uncomfortable with how many credits this simple outfit cost, even though her closet now contained hundreds of more expensive gowns and robes.

 

As Rey approached, Rose bowed teasingly, “Oh, Empress, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

Rey frowned, her eyes light and cheerful. “Well, I was told that my First Lady Rose was hiding out here, but, you certainly can’t be her.”

Rose grinned, straightened, and threw herself at Rey, hugging her tightly. The two women slowly released each other and headed into Finn and Rose’s home.

They were soon situated on the couches, steaming mugs of Alderaanian sweet tea in their hands and a plate of cookies on the coffee table. Rey sighed. “Finn would be so grumpy right now, gods know how much he hates the smell of sweet tea.” Rose cast her eyes down, tears pooling at the edges of them. Rey gasped, “Oh, I am so sorry, Rose! I spoke without thinking.” She set her mug down, took Rose’s from her shaking hands, and enveloped the smaller woman in her arms.

 

Rose clutched Rey’s back as she wept.  But she needed to hear why Rey had come to visit her, so she tried to stop her crying. Gently prying herself from Rey’s embrace, she wiped at her nose.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” she whispered. “I’m sure you don’t have long here before Ben throws a fit worrying and demands you come back. Or is he in orbit?”

Rey smiled sheepishly.

Rose shook her head, a tiny grin on her lips. Wiping her eyes clean, she shook herself and faced Rey.

“So, why are you here, Rey?”

“Can’t I want to see my friend?”

Rose eyed Rey dryly.

Rey quickly relented. “Okay, okay, I know. We found something, Rose.  We don’t know what it means yet, but I’m staying hopeful.”

Rose turned her full attention towards Rey.

“You know how Finn was looking for some data from an old First Order outpost in the Unknown Regions?” Rose nodded slowly, not sure if she wanted to hear the rest of the information or not. “Well,” Rey paused. “We received a transmission two cycles ago. It was so heavily scrambled that our communications guys only just realised that it was a message and not just interference from a solar flare.” Rey sucked in a huge breath. “We’re not sure how old it is, Rose, but it’s a distress call and a set of coordinates. From Finn's ship.”

Rose’s heartbeat picked up. Coordinates and a distress call. She allowed the tiny flame of hope inside her chest to brighten. Just as quickly, it was flattened again.

“A distress call?” Rose panicked, her mind flying through various situations. Depending on how old the message was, he could be dead. He couldn’t be dead. He promised her. _He PROMISED her._

“Rose, calm down.  We know he’s been missing for so long; that’s why I’m here. Pack a bag.  We’re going to get him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	12. Window

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia has looked through a lot of windows.

Window

_Noun_

  1. An opening in the wall or roof of a building or vehicle, fitted with glass in a frame to admit light or air and allow people to see out.



 

Leia had seen so many lives change as she looked out windows.

 

Leia remembered sitting by the big bay window as a child-- _her_ window. She remembered hiding away from her duties for just a few hours in the early afternoon.  Away from her maids and guards, she'd tuck herself away in the window seat, reading her favourite book as the snow fell over Aldera in gentle sheets, turning the green of the gleaming city to pure white.

 

She remembered sitting by the same window in the summer as a teen, watching as the blossom petals floated up to her, carried on a summer breeze from the gardens below the castle tower. She remembered lying on the seat, her leg dangling out the window, and letting her hair catch and knot in the breeze. _Her handmaid would be furious._

 

She remembered standing at her window as a young adult, just before she took her father’s place in the Galactic Senate. The sun was setting over the distant mountains surrounding Aldera, shimmering over the snow capped peaks and casting the city below in a golden shine, surrounded by diamonds.

 

She remembered looking out the windows of a Star Destroyer, now a grown woman, watching helplessly as her father and Tarkin blew her beloved planet to star dust.

 

She remembered watching through the windows in the cockpit of the _Falcon_ , feeling like the worst kind of anxious mother while Ben slowly became smaller and smaller on the ground as she and Han left Luke's Jedi Praxeum behind.

 

She remembered looking out the window of the _Raddus_ as she spotted her son's TIE Silencer,  watching as he lined up to fire on her, seconds before one of his wingmates fired and she was pulled out into the vacuum of space.

 

She remembered watching Rey through the windows of the command office on the base on Atollon, practising saber forms with her staff against Finn and Poe, who were armed with vibroblades. _Maybe they still had a chance._

 

She remembered watching Rey again. The girl was alone, but seemed to be arguing with thin air, waving her hands in ever-increasing exasperation. Leia thought she might be talking to a Force ghost. _She couldn’t believe how wrong she was._

 

She remembered watching through the windows of the mess hall on Dantooine as Rey once again argued with thin air. But then, she watched in awe as Rey _grabbed_ onto someone, and Ben appeared before her, his long black hair covering his face as he looked down at Rey. Leia only got a small view of them before Rey let go of him and he disappeared again.

 

She remembered watching both of them, hands touching as Rey meditated in the cargo hold of the _Falcon._ His eyes were open, trained on Rey with a tenderness that Leia didn’t think was left in Kylo Ren.

 

She remembered seeing them both in Rey’s quarters, her shoulders shaking gently – they had lost two dozen troops that day – as Ben enfolded the small woman into his massive arms and buried his face in her hair, his lips moving around words Leia couldn't pick up as he comforted Rey.

 

And now, she stood with the rest of the Resistance behind the transparent duraplate doors of their latest base, as history was once again made.

Rey and Ben were walking towards each other across the windswept fields before them, their eyes only on each other, before coming to a stop a few feet apart. The whole Resistance held a collective breath as they watched the two Force-sensitives regard each other. Leia smiled knowingly. The Force was content, swirling happily between the two.

Rey threw herself into Ben’s arms; he immediately dropped his lightsaber as he lifted her so he could kiss her firmly.

Leia heard the gasps of a few Resistance members--the outraged cry of Finn, and the furious growl from Poe. But she just smiled.

 

Yes, Leia had seen a lot through windows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	13. Nostalgia

Nostalgia

_Noun_

  1. A sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past.



It was times like these when Padmé wished for the days when she was simply queen--when her worries were for her people’s immediate welfare or assassination plots rather than the dreadful to-ing and fro-ing that she had to do as a senator.

She longed for the days when she first met Master Qui-Gon and his apprentice, Obi-Wan, who was now a Master himself. Back then, she could pass off Anakin’s attentions as the curiosity of a child-- even though she was little more than a child herself--ather than the depth of emotion she now knew he held for her.

She wished that she had never listened to then-Senator Palpatine when he asked that she move for a vote of no confidence.

She would never trade marrying Anakin for anything; she would never give up their unborn children. But today had shattered her beyond anything she had ever felt before.

She didn’t recognise her husband any more. His eyes were crazed, drunk on power that she had been unable to stop.

This man wasn’t her husband.

Her husband was kind, caring, and so, _so_ excited to become a father, despite the risks that pursuing a relationship with her would attract.

She longed for the blissful days they'd spent together on Naboo when he was still a Padawan--or the stolen nights together after he'd returned from missions and she had been so thankful to see him home safe.

She longed to revisit the moment she told him of her pregnancy. There had been absolute love and adoration in his eyes as he soothed her worries.

 

She was never Force-sensitive, but even she could feel the dark energy now surrounding the man she loved. She could feel the way it twisted and tore its way through her Anakin, feel it breaking him down while he believed that it was building him up.

When he sent that immeasurable power towards her, she truly thought her husband was lost to her forever. She felt the tightening around her throat, followed by an intense pain in her abdomen.

_No, not now, please my child, not now!_

Her husband would never endanger her children like this man was doing now.  Even when he released her and turned her full attention towards Obi-Wan, she drew into herself, trying to protect her child.

When she woke again briefly, Obi-Wan was taking her back to a ship. She remembered feeling the Force curl around her again.  This time it was deeper, below her physical body and seeming to grip around her soul. It was sharp and cold around her heart, almost more painful than the contractions she was now experiencing.

She was lucid enough to name her children. Names were one thing she and Anakin had never considered; they hadn’t even talked about whether they wanted a boy or a girl. They had both now, and Padmé could feel the Force curl tighter and tighter around her as her consciousness waned and her eyes slowly slipped closed.

As she faded from this world, Padmé Amidala Naberrie thought of their wedding day, of how handsome her husband had been, and the dreams she'd had for their future. She passed from this world in nostalgic peace, ignoring the horror of her reality.


	14. Love Letters

Love Letters

_Plural Noun_

  1. A letter expressing romantic love for the recipient.



 

They were mocking her, the crisp white envelopes with her name written in his beautiful script. They were taunting her, daring her to come close and open one.

 

She’d been able to resist all week, ignoring Ben’s letters as though if she didn’t open them, he might still come back.

 

But he was gone now, locked away in exile on a planet whose location only Poe knew.  Poe would never tell Rey where Ben was.

 

Rey sighed and walked over to her desk. She flicked through the letters, finding the one with the earliest date. She snatched it up, walking out of her chambers and down to the Library at the Senate House on Coruscant.

 

She snuggled into her little private nook.  Taking a deep breath, Rey opened the first letter.

 

_Rey,_

_I know that the Senate is now debating my fate. Whether that is death, exile or imprisonment, I know I may never see you in the flesh ever again._

_I know that many of my actions towards you in the past three years need explanation.  I so wish that I could speak these words to you myself, but I’m running out of time._

_Shall we start at the beginning?_

_Takodana._

_I’d heard mention of a girl travelling with the droid that ~~my master~~ Snoke wanted so badly. Even then, the Force had been tugging at me for days, signalling an awakening. I headed to Takodana intent on capturing the droid and eliminating the potential threat. But when I got down to the planet, the tugging became an irresistible pull, drawing me in your direction._

_I must say, I didn’t expect this girl and the Force awakening to be the same person, and I certainly didn’t expect you to attack me so brazenly. I was intrigued. The fact that you had seen the last piece of the map sealed my decision. I’d take you, not the droid._

Rey grew furious at the memory of him just charging in and taking her. She calmed herself with the knowledge that she was more than a match for him the second time he tried that.

_So I brought you to Starkiller. I never intended to be there when you woke up, but I couldn’t leave. Your fire absolutely captivated me. No one except Snoke, had seen me without my helmet in ten years, since I became Master of the Knights of Ren. But you got me to remove my mask with one comment._

_I didn’t want to hurt you in that interrogation. I was as soft as I could be with you resisting me. In trying to gently ease my way through your memories, I accidentally slipped too deep into your mind. My fury at your loneliness and my shock that I was not the only one abandoned left me open._

_I think, Rey, that our Force bond came from that moment, when I think I certainly recognised myself in you--your strength, your loneliness, your power in the Force._

_When we met again in the woods outside, the Force was swirling around you in a storm. I meant only to prevent you from getting harmed as ~~FN-21~~ Finn and I fought. _

_I was astonished when my Grandfather’s lightsaber flew into your hand, though. You had only just been shown the Force. There was no way that you could have known you were able to do that, and yet you did._

_I set myself to force you to submit; I didn’t want to kill you. You were so untamed, not shackled by the Jedi fear of the Dark or the Sith abandonment of the Light. I’d never seen anything more beautiful. I still haven’t._

_I was a lost man, however, when you used my own moves against me. It had been so, so, so long since I had met anyone who could match me in both lightsaber skill and strength in the Force. Your use of moves straight out of my mind sealed my fate._

_I would never be able to kill someone as beautiful to me as you were, even after you scarred me._

_You told me once that on Jakku, scratching things was a way for scavengers to know who owned what. I was looking in the mirror after you told me that. Whether you knew it or not, you had claimed me as your own that night._

_So, that’s Starkiller._

_I am sorry that I haunted your thoughts after that day; I can honestly say I didn’t mean to harm you._

_I have a lot more to explain. This is just the first of many letters explaining my actions over the years. Please, Rey, do me a favour and only read them alone and in order. Things will make more sense that way, I promise._

_Yours,_

_Ben Solo_

Rey only noticed there were tears streaming down her face when one of them landed on the page. She sniffed loudly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

She read and re-read his letter again and again until she had it memorised. She rose to her feet, shaky from the wild swings of emotion she had just been through. Rey rushed up to her rooms, desperate to read the next letter from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	15. Might-have-been

Might-have-been

_Informal Noun_

  1. An event or situation that could have happened or existed but never did.



 

Luke looked down at his nephew. Ben hadn’t noticed him yet, and he wouldn’t until Luke decided to appear visually as a Force ghost.

Ben had grown since that fateful day at Luke's  Praxeum. Filled out, too. He was broader and stronger than Luke ever remembered--the brief time he met his nephew again on Crait, he'd been so close to death that the image didn't hold firm in his memory.

 

Luke looked at him and wondered what might have happened if he had never succumbed to his own darkness and raised his lightsaber to his nephew. The Force, it seemed, was a lot kinder to him in death. A vision unfolded before his eyes.

Luke was standing in a desert. For a minute, he thought he was back on Tatooine, but there was only one sun in the sky. _Jakku,_ he realised.

So, he would have gone for Rey.

The scene changed.

Rey was now at the Praxeum, maybe sixteen years old, and practising forms against one of his first students, Janeeshi. Rey's double ended blade hummed as she leapt and danced around her opponent. He looked up, beyond the fight, and saw Ben, looking down at Rey with an indecipherable expression on his face. Rey won her fight and traipsed over to him. _He’d given Ben a student to mentor?_

Luke's eyes grew soft as he looked at Ben and Rey. He could see the way they interacted with each other. If one moved slightly, the other compensated, covering their exposed sides. They weren’t talking, at least, not out loud, but Luke watched as Rey suddenly frowned and stormed off in anger. Ben sighed, looking after her with a soft expression on his face.

_So they were still bound, even in this reality?_

The scene changed again.

 

This time, Rey and Ben were standing before Luke, behind the Praxeum. 

“I cannot believe both of you. Attachments are forbidden in the Jedi Order. Passion is forbidden. Anger is forbidden. You both walk far to close to the the Dark.”

Rey just about laughed at him.

“Yes, we do, Luke.” _Rey had never called him “Master.”_ “And do you know why? Because we balance each other. Look at our signatures Luke, read them. Do you see the Dark? The Light? Or do you see a perfect blend of the two?” His ghost self read them. She was right, they were perfectly balanced--neither Dark nor Light. Rey's signature was just a slightly paler shade of Grey than Ben's was.

 

Ben spoke this time. He looked much like he did now, tall, broad, filled out, and with the same scar.

“I have long told you that the Jedi way is wrong. You know this. Rey agrees with me. If you no longer want us here then so be it, we will leave tonight. But we are not forsaking each other. Our bond is too strong to allow us to do that.”

 

Luke didn’t get to see his own response.

 

This time he found himself on Naboo, standing at the entrance to Castle Varykino. Rey appeared from inside. She looked older, maybe around twenty-five, her saberstaff still attached to her hip. Ben appeared behind her, scooping her up into his arms with a massive smile on his face.

 

“DAAAAD! Can you move, we want to go outside!”

Luke just about died again from shock, as two little girls appeared from behind Rey and Ben. Both had black hair, green eyes and button noses—a perfect blend of Ben and Rey.

 

Rey just giggled. “All right, girls, but remember, Uncle Luke is coming to see you today.”

 

The scene dissolved before him, and Luke found himself looking back over his nephew. This time, Rey was in the room with him. They were talking--arguing about something, he noticed. But it was their signatures that caught his attention the most.

 

_They were both Grey._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	16. Ashes

Ashes

_Plural Noun_

  1. The powdery substance left after the burning of a substance.



 

Rey could have sworn it was bigger than this.

As she looked around inside her old AT-AT, her meagre possessions long since scavenged, her eyes fell on her wall of scratch marks. To this day, she had no idea how many were on that wall. Certainly thousands.

The wind was picking up outside, the _X'us'R'iia_ blowing in from beyond Niima Outpost, before the sound was smothered, like she was underground. Rey sighed.  Turning around, she found Kylo looking around at her old home. His eyes landed on her, then looked past her, widening slightly as he saw the wall of tally marks.

Eyes still on the wall behind her, he spoke. “I’ve already seen all this in your mind.” He saw Rey bristle at the reminder. “But this is something else.  Honestly Rey, how did you live like this?”

Rey rolled her eyes and set to unpacking the bag she'd carried across her back. With the sandstorm blowing in, she was going to be here for a while. She pulled out a bedroll, some dried rations and two canteens full of water.

Turning back to find Kylo’s eyes on her, she replied. “I didn’t _live_ , I _survived_. _Living_ on Jakku was for those who had enough portions not to have to scavenge every day.”

She settled back on her bed, and pulled out a flight simulator, this one noticeably more recent than the one that she put together as a child.

Kylo frowned at her “Surely you don’t mean to stay here again?”

Rey looked up at him. “Poke your head outside if you want to see why I’m staying here.  Trust me, this is the last place that I want to be again. I came here to collect some intel. Honestly, I’d burn this whole place to ash if I could.”

Kylo sat down across from her, careful to make sure that his hulking frame didn’t bash into the walls of her small shelter. He looked almost comical to Rey, who couldn’t help let out a small chuckle at the sight of the massive _Supreme Leader_ having to curl up to fit inside her tiny former home.

 

“How long do these storms usually last?”

 

Rey thought back to the several times she remembered _X’us’R’iia_ coming through. “Hmm, usually around two days--sometimes longer, sometimes shorter.”

Kylo nodded as he faded from her reality. He knew what he was going to do.

 

The _X’us’R’iia_ lasted for just over a full day. Rey pulled herself out of her old home, noting the slight shifts in the dunes, the locations of the sinking pits--habits left over from her days scavenging on this forsaken planet.

She returned to her ship, and left atmo, jumping to hyperspace just as the _Supremacy_ materialised over the planet.

 

\--

Kylo boarded his shuttle down to the surface of Jakku.  Hux was beside him, babbling about wasting time and resources.

“General, I will not repeat myself _again._ The girl came from this planet; it is entirely possible that someone here knows where she has been or if she has been back.”

General Hux shut up for the rest of the journey.

 

When they landed, a large Crolute approached them. _Unkar Plutt, the man that bought Rey!_

“Welcome to Niima Outpost, if it pleases you I cou-“ he choked off as Kylo slowly lifted him into the air, the Force wrapped tightly around Plutt's large neck.

“Save your posturing for someone else, Plutt. I’m after a scavenger, a girl— _Rey_ , I believe. She was here recently, why?”

“Sh- she wa-wa-want-ed i-i-infor-ma-tion.”

“I know this, Crolute! I want to know _what_ information.”

“I-I-I d-d-d-on’t kn-kn-know.”

Kylo grew tired of this. With a flick of his hand, he snapped the Crolute’s neck and flung him to the ground.

“General, raze this outpost to the ground, burn it all if you have to, but I want the person who gave her the information found!”

 

\---

Rey was in her quarters, deep into the night cycle when she felt the familiar sensation of the Force bond wash over her. There was something wrong,  though.  She could smell smoke and the acrid scent of burnt flesh. She rolled over, expecting to see Kylo covered in burns, but what she found was far worse.

 

He was standing facing away from her, looking out the windows of his shuttle as Niima Outpost burned below him, the flames licking high in the sky, casting him in silhouette. Rey gasped, her hands flying to her mouth as she observed the horror in front of her.

Kylo turned, “You said you would burn it to the ground if you could.”

Rey just about screamed, “I MEANT MY AT-AT, YOU COMPLETE MONSTER!”

Kylo took a step back as he felt her anger and pain at the loss of all those lives manifesting in the Force around her. He could have sworn he saw sparks in her eyes.

Rey had never been so furious. She could feel the Dark worming its way through her veins, latching onto her anger and amplifying it. She let it, welcoming the power it brought her. She let it build and build until she couldn’t contain it anymore.

Kylo couldn’t believe his eyes as he watched Rey throw her head back, her mouth open in a silent scream as Force lightning flew from her hands and into the floor of the ship before him.

He didn’t understand why she was so mad! He'd done this for _her. SHE_ said she wanted to burn it all.

The power coursing through Rey was awe-inspiring, but just as quickly as it began, it stopped. Rey looked at him, breathing heavily.

“Congratulations on your _victory,_ Supreme Leader,” she all but spat at him. “Enjoy your ashes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	17. Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay with these chapters guys. My writing muscles needed a break. But I'm back and looking forward to finishing these last two weeks strong!
> 
> Much love!

Dream:

_Noun_

  1. A series of thoughts, images and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep.
  2. A cherished aspiration, ambition or ideal.



 

Kylo knew dreams. When he first arrived at the First Order to practise his interrogation skills, he would try to slip into people's dreams.

Hux was the first--he dreamt of success. Hux dreamt of a galaxy with the First Order reigning supreme, of people bowing down in fear as he walked through the streets on any planet. Armitage Hux dreamt of a First Order completely under his control, without even Snoke.

Mitaka was next. His dreams bored Kylo. He dreamt of a family, of his wife, his kids. He dreamt of living on a peaceful planet away from the war. Young Kylo had scoffed at his dreams, contemptuously disregarding them. Now, he knew different.

His Knights were meant to be the last.

Ilta Ren dreamt of that night at the Praxeum, of driving her green blade through padawans and younglings. But Kylo didn’t find the fury he thought he would. Instead, he felt her guilt and her acceptance that she was beyond redemption. He understood now why she was a berserker on the battlefield--she didn’t value her own life anymore.

Gau Ren dreamt of his Night Brothers—the guidance of their ancestors and the knowledge and information he would have no access to otherwise. Kylo supposed this made sense for Gau, a Seer who'd always been even more bookish than Kylo.

Yiska Ren dreamt of hunting. The Togruta was the eldest of all the knights and had lived with his family until Luke had found him as a teenager. He dreamt of stalking through the dense forests of his homeworld Shili, balancing his weight to be silent.  He dreamt of the satisfaction of the kill. Kylo recognised his moves--they translated to the battlefield, to stalking enemies fleeing through thick foliage.

Nisha Ren’s dreams were always the hardest to watch. Over and over, she dreamt of watching her people rip her children from her and kill them. Unlike the rest of her people, her Force abilites only grew as she got older. The Chiss considered her a threat to their way of life and after failing to kill her killed her children instead. Because of this, Kylo considered Nisha Ren his closest confidante of all his Knights.

Kek Ren dreamt of revenge. He was raised in the lower levels of Coruscant by spice dealers and smugglers. As a child, he had been regularly sold as a pleasure slave to pay debts. His rage was centred around those that sold him.  But some of Kek's rage was for Kylo himself; Kek believed his Master was stopping him from exacting his revenge.

Jetta Ren was the hardest to read. Her dreams were blank upon first inspection. She was a Kishiri and used to shielding her thoughts from her training as a child ready to serve any Sith Master. But underneath that, she dreamt of her time at the Praxeum--of her lessons in meditation and forms. She practised her old forms in her head at night, clinging to her Light side training beneath a blanket of Darkness.

His own dreams were never quiet. They were torture in themselves, forcing him to relive every betrayal in his life--his parents discarding him, his uncle standing over him with his lightsaber, being left in his room screaming as a child with only the droids to hear him.

 

But then, there was _her._ He never meant to see her dreams. When he did, he expected them to be of torture and pain and hardship reflective of her life on that planet. Instead, she dreamt of places she had never seen, the images appearing in her mind straight from the Force itself. The second time he saw her dreams, he saw her childhood and her parents leaving her behind. The third time, he saw himself.  Her awe at him fighting beside her in the throne room tinged with her anguish that he was still choosing the Dark over her. The fourth time, he saw a child. A perfect blend of himself and her, sitting in a house on Naboo, surrounded by toys and model ships. _Happy._ The fifth time, he saw himself again, holding her in his arms, a smile on his face.

 

It wasn’t until the tenth time that he realised they were dreaming together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	18. Statuary

Statuary

_Noun_

  1. Statues regarded collectively.



Luke wandered through the Palace on Naboo. Queen Sorsha had allowed him and Leia freedom to explore the Palace while they visited. Leia was talking with the Queen in the study while Luke roamed his interest in politics faded as quickly as they spoke.

Night was falling on the planet, the sky streaked with oranges, pinks and reds as the sun set over the hills beyond the city. Luke couldn’t believe how beautiful this planet was. Endor was green, Hoth was white, Dagobah was dank and Coruscant was shiny, but none of them held a candle to the beauty of Naboo. While the Force was strong on the other planets, and practically screamed at him on Dagobah, here, it seemed to sing.

Luke closed his eyes, and let the Force take him where it wanted him to go. When he felt his feet come to a rest, he opened his eyes again, and found himself in a large garden filled with statues, each lit by a brazier at their feet.

He wandered over to the first one. _King Jafan – 852 BBY – 801 BBY, First King of the Great Time of Peace._

The King was young, no older than Luke, maybe twenty in his sculpture. The other sculptures were similar, the stone slowly becoming newer and more elaborate in its carving until he came across one of a Queen.

Her statue was covered in sparkling gems, a kyber crystal set into the stone crown on her brow, glowing softly in the night. Her statue was surrounded by flowers and offerings. The scent of incense floated around her.

Luke looked down at the plaque. _Queen Padme Amidala – 46 BBY – 19 BBY, The People’s Queen, Unifier of the Peoples of Naboo and the Gungan Peoples, forever missed._

Luke felt as though he should recognise the woman. She was clearly still adored by the Naboo, if the decorations surrounding her were any indication. He’d heard of the Queen from passing pilots on Tatooine but he felt as though he should be able to place her name.

“She was your mother.” Luke jumped at Sorsha’s comment, not having noticed the Queen come up behind him. He turned to face the Queen, finding her looking up at the statue with intense sadness on her face.

“All the Naboo know of her story--her time as Queen and then Senator. She was loved by the people. Only the Royalty of Naboo were told how she really died. The people think she died without having had you and Leia. She was buried with her stomach still rounded. Only we knew that she was Anakin’s wife, and was killed because of her trip to save him on Mustafar.” She turned to face him.

“She so looked forward to meeting you two.” Sorsha looked over his shoulder, “I think I’ll leave you now; it seems your father wishes to speak with you.”

Luke whipped around to see his father standing behind him, his eyes full of a deep sadness.

Anakin took Sorsha’s place beside his son, and they both looked up at the statue of the woman who had such a profound effect on the course of galactic history.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	19. Haunt

Huant:

_Verb_

  1. (Of a ghost) manifest itself at (a place) regularly



 

Luke hadn’t been joking when he told Kylo he’d see him again.

Kylo was certain that his Uncle was going to haunt him for the rest of his days.

Any second that Kylo was alone (and a few times when he wasn’t) there Luke would be, chattering on and on about what he knew of the Force now. At least he had managed to avoid Rey.

Kylo felt at least partially vindicated. His Uncle had finally seen that unending faithfulness to the Light was _not_ the right way to go about practising the Force. Most of the time, however, he was furious. Not since his training with Snoke had he felt the Dark flowing through him so strongly. His Uncle, ignoring his own part in Kylo’s fall, would chatter to him as though they were old friends, or even worse, as though Kylo was still his student.

 

One evening, alone in his quarters, Kylo snapped.

“That is _enough,_ old man!  I have listened to you babble nonsense for _months!_ For _months,_ I have let you speak. _Enough!“_ Kylo's chest was heaving, his breath coming quickly. The furniture in the room floated around him.

Luke finally fell silent.

Kylo could feel the Dark swelling around him, glad to be unleashed.

Kylo’s voice grew quiet, and all the more deadly for it. “I have had enough. You are the reason I fell to the Dark, you are the reason that Snoke got to me--you and my mother and my father, you are all responsible. I was a _child_. I was scared and alone and unwanted.”

Luke opened his mouth to speak but Kylo cut across him, not recognising the dampening of the sound around him.

“I do not remember a time when Snoke wasn’t in my ear. My earliest memories are of my mother leaving for Senate, of my father not knowing what to do with a son so unlike himself. Of being left in the care of a droid while my mother spoke of change in the galaxy and my father jetted away from us both. I remember Snoke whispering to me that it was my fault.” He was just about whispering now. “Them not staying, their arguing was _my fault_.”

“He would tell me that they didn’t want me, that I was too much trouble. And I fought him, for years, but then I was shipped off to you after I heard them arguing about me and was so upset I lost control and blew all the windows out in the house.”

“’ _He needs control,’_ they told you,” he nearly spat at Luke. “So I learnt, and tried to fight the darkness in me, tried to be enough. I wished for my mother to visit, for my father to say he was proud. For you to give me compliments and not just more ‘harder, faster, concentrate— _no,_ Ben.’ I needed my family.”

Luke was still quiet, a shocked look on his face. “I fought Snoke off by myself for over twenty years. twenty years while I was ignored, while I was told I was inadequate.”

He huffed out a furious laugh, “And then, you just had to think about killing me. In that moment, I knew everything Snoke had told me was true. You feared my power, my parents wanted me dead, and no one, not even my own family, wanted me.”

Luke looked pained now. He tried to interrupt Kylo once again, but Kylo kept going as if Luke hadn't said a word.

“So, you want to haunt me, old man, go ahead. I’ll just add it to the pile of other tortures you have inflicted on me.” Kylo laughed bitterly. “What’s one more lash? What’s one more guilt I have to carry for your actions?”

Kylo took a breath, his chest still heaving, his nostrils flaring as he drew in the scent of the air around him--cleaning fluids, cotton, the weird electric smell of Force Ghosts, and…sand?

Kylo’s eyes widened as he spun around and saw Rey behind him, tears streaming down her face,  fury and disgust in her eyes. Kylo flinched, assuming that now Rey would hate him, too. He looked down at the ground, refusing to meet her eyes.

His head shot up when he felt a hand on his arm. Rey was in front of him, her eyes shining with compassion and barely disguised rage. No, Kylo decided, not rage, hate.

Rey gave Kylo a small smile before gently moving past him, putting herself between him and Luke.

“You know, I looked up to you. All those days on the desert, dreaming of _Luke Skywalker._ ” She levelled Luke with a glare, cold enough to make him take a small step back. “I would listen eagerly as the storytellers would pass through Niima Outpost and entertain us with stories of your fight against the Empire. Of how you were going to build a new, better Jedi order.”

Rey shook her head, placing her hand on Ben’s chest as he tried to get around her. Ben stopped, his will sapped from him as Rey’s warmth bled into his chest.

Luke watched the exchange with wide eyes. Kylo surmised that the old Master had never realised just how deep his bond with Rey went.

“When I found out you tried to kill Ben, I was furious, but I was willing to forgive you.” She shook her head.

“But what you did to a grown man is nothing compared to what happened to that small boy. He was your _blood_ , your family before you were Jedi Master Luke Skywalker. Do you know what that would have meant to a child who believed himself all alone in the galaxy?”

Ben leaned down, wrapping Rey in his arms and burying his face in her hair. He wanted, no, he _needed,_ her strength in this moment.

Rey turned her head to look up at him, her eyes softening for a moment before returning to their icy glare.

“It would have meant _everything_.”

Luke stood there, shocked Kylo Ren and Rey's ease with one other. Their bond, while he had only glimpsed it before, filled the room around him and he could _see_ their signatures wrapping around each other. _Balance._

“I know I was wrong. I tried to make up for it. I tried to pay my penance.”

“Yes you did, but not because you were sorry for how you treated Ben.  You were ashamed that you had let yourself be consumed by darkness.”

“You can feel our bond now yes? The strength of it?” Kylo asked his uncle.

Luke nodded.

“It can do so much now; it’s almost always present, even when we aren't physically together.  And I’m going to protect my bondmate. Do not come back here, Luke, not until you recognise that the Force is just the Force, and that faulting your nephew for feeling the Force is something you should be ashamed of. Don’t come back until you’re willing to help him, in whatever capacity he allows, because Ben Solo is no Snoke. So don’t treat him as such.” Rey smiled lightly at them both, before the bond snapped and she disappeared from his arms.

Ben straightened and regarded his uncle with a wary eye, then turned his back, dismissing his uncle with no words. He could feel Luke open his mouth to say something, but Kylo was in no mood to hear it.

“No, I don’t want to know. Leave.”

Behind Kylo, Luke nodded his head, disappearing back into the Force.

* * *

 

As Luke returned to the Force plane, he was met by a swift kick to the back of the knees, sending him to the floor.

“Honestly, Luke I warned you! Stay away from my grandson.” Anakin Skywalker was a force to be reckoned with as a live being.  As a Force ghost, he was damn near unstoppable.

“Everyone in this damn family has a lot to apologise for. None of you tried to reach Ben and all of you deemed him a lost cause. I at least had a reason to be blocked from helping him. That Rey is the best thing that has ever happened to him and you will not interfere again, Luke. No more haunting, got it?”

Luke nodded mutely, wondering again how he'd managed to get everything so wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	20. Golden Moment

Golden

_Adjective_

  1. (of a period) very opportune or momentous



 

Snoke had seen many golden moments in his long life--the fall of two Jedi Orders, the rise of Darth Vader, even the fall of the Empire and the followers he'd gained.

But nothing in his long life matched up to the moment he found Ben Solo. The possibility of the boy’s blood was extraordinary.

That moment, even, was overcome by his discovery of the boy’s strength in the Force.

So on and so forth, Snoke found himself finding bigger and brighter golden moments as he looked to Ben Solo and what he could accomplish with the boy as his puppet.

But Snoke’s biggest moment--the one that shone and stood out from all the rest--was when Ben Solo became Kylo Ren. In that moment, he'd persuaded others to join Snoke and brought down Skywalker’s puny Jedi Temple. This all culminated in the moment where Ben had prostrated himself before Snoke and called him “Master.”

 

 Yes, Snoke thought, there had been many a golden moment in his long life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	21. Embrace

Embrace

_Verb_

  1. Hold (someone) closely in one's arms, especially as a sign of affection.
  2. Accept (a belief, theory or change) willingly and enthusiastically.



 

 He wished that he had held his son more as a child. He wished that he and Leia hadn’t fought as much. He wished that he stayed on-planet more. He wished he had never allowed Luke to take Ben away. He wished that he had tried harder to understand the Force. He wished that he could have kissed Leia and Ben and held them firmly in his embrace once more.Han wished for many things as he stood on that bridge on Starkiller.

He wished he could put a few blaster bolts through Snoke. He wished he could take his son from here and run to the edges of the galaxy, and then keep running. He wished he could rip Kylo Ren  from his son’s heart. But he wished most of all that he could take back his involvement in putting his son there in the first place.

As he faded into nothingness, Han Solo remembered the feeling of his son in his arms, imagining that the warmth that cuddled him now was how his son felt in those first hours of his life. Han Solo died with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	22. Mourning

Mourning

_Noun_

  * The expression of sorrow for someone’s death.



 

Kylo always wore black.  He’d been told multiple times by multiple people that he looked like he was on his way to a funeral.

Today, his outfit actually fit in.

The flames from the pyre ahead of him cast flickering light over Felucia, tinging the blue, pink and red plants a deep orange, rising high into the night sky to the eight moons above them, reaching for the distant stars.

He had been surprised that Rey had allowed him into the bond. At the same time, he knew that it was also completely _Rey--c_ ompassion without judgement.

His thoughts of Rey were chased from his head by memories of his mother.  She had taught him how to write and had gifted him a calligraphy set for his seventh standard year. She had told him bedtime stories of princesses in castles, knights with swords and thieves rushing around the land faster than those that could catch them; he only realised after he was a teenager that she was telling him of her life before he was born.

 

He watched as the flames died down to embers, and it was just him and Rey left in the clearing. When he was sure he wasn’t going to be seen, he allowed the turmoil and pain filling his chest to drown him. He collapsed to his knees in the dirt, tears pouring down his face as his body was wracked with soul-deep sobs.

He wasn’t prepared for his mother to die. She had always seemed eternal to him. Even as an adult, well into Snoke's grip, he had believed that she would outlive everyone. Leia just _didn't_ die. It was impossible.

But here was the irrefutable proof that she had.

He wept because he never got to apologise to her, because he'd never again get to feel her arms wrapped around his too-tall frame again, because he would never again hear her sing _Mirrorbright_ to him as she braided his hair, would never again see her smile.

Kylo Ren wept for the galaxy's loss of one of the brightest points of light to ever shine.

Ben Solo wept because he was a boy who had just lost his mother.

He had no idea how long he spent kneeling on the ground. He was honestly shocked that the Force was allowing him to stay this long, letting him mourn his mother. He started when he felt a small hand on his shoulder.

Rey was standing next to him, looking down at him, her own pain shining clearly in her eyes. A question floated through the bond to him.

_Are you okay?_

Ben looked back towards the remnants of the pyre. _No._ He thought. _And I don’t know if I ever will be again._

The hand on his shoulder squeezed, compassion and strength flowing from her palm into his shoulder and spreading into his chest.

Without warning, he dragged Rey down to him, enveloping her in his arms. He wept into her neck once more, as he'd done on the _Falcon_. She didn’t judge him.  She simply embraced him, shaking with her own tears as they held each other through their grief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to @Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	23. Wreath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SO SORRY! I've had a hectic last week and haven't had the chance to write until maybe 2 days ago. I promise more chapters are on their way. Sorry again and I hope you enjoy!

Wreath

_Noun_

  1. An arrangement of flowers, leaves or stems fastened in a ring and used for decoration or for laying on a grave.



Rey didn’t want to be back here. She wanted to stay as far away as possible from this planet and especially this island. But she had promised Leia, so here she was.

Rey hadn’t ever mourned anyone before. Sure, she’d wished for her parents to return. She had wept over the loss of Han Solo. But she'd always assumed that her parents would be back for her and she'd never had time to mourn Han properly.

Mourning on Jakku was simple--the body was often just dragged into the dunes and covered. Tears were water wasted and funerals were time wasted. People couldn’t spare time for the dead when staying amongst the living was so hard.

Apparently, this wasn’t normal. Leia wore traditional Alderaanian mourning braids. The pilots got drunk while reminiscing about their fallen comrades. Rose made small trinkets of wire and even Finn held a minute's silence before bed to honour the fallen.

So here Rey was, laying a wreath for Luke at the Jedi Temple on Ahch-To. 

The only thing Rey enjoyed about her task was the wreath itself. It was a beautiful combination of flowers from plants Rey had never seen—a circle of blue, purple, green and white flowers all woven around green leaved fronds. Leia had told her it represented the fulfilment of a person’s life--a completed circle from birth to death.

Rey stepped out from the _Falcon_ and into the rain, her hood covering her face as she began the long trek up the mountain steps to the Temple. The nuns gave her steely glares as she passed them, no doubt remembering the destruction she'd caused. A flash of guilt shot through Rey as she saw her old hut, half rebuilt.

Rey walked on.

* * *

 

She had left the wreath on the large flat stone at the edge of the cave, settling it in the crack that ran through the stone, yet she was still here, standing in the cave with the strange pool in the middle. Rey wondered if anyone would mourn her own death.

Plutt would be angry that one of his scavengers were gone. Teedo would be gleeful, as there would be no one to stop him from pillaging Rey’s home. Maybe a few of the other scavengers she had talked to occasionally might say a small prayer to R’iia for her safe passage to the afterlife. She doubted those at the resistance would mourn her. Maybe they would miss her abilities. Then there was B- _Kylo_ Ren. Rey snorted, he’d probably do a jig.

Rey was so caught up in her thoughts that a sudden crash of thunder and flash of lightning startled her back a few steps.

_Great, just great. There is no way I can get back to the Falcon now._

Sighing, Rey settled down against one of the walls of the cave, far enough back from both entrances to protect her from the freezing wind blowing in from outside.

As she gathered her cloak more tightly around her, Rey mused that there would be nobody to lay a wreath when she died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	24. Disaster

Disaster

_Noun_

  1. A sudden accident or natural catastrophe that causes mass loss of life and great damage.
  2. An event or fact that has unfortunate consequences.



 

Disaster. There was no other word in any language that could sum this situation up better.

Snoke was dead. Hux would have scarcely believed it if he hadn’t seen the body for himself. Now, since he'd been Snoke's apprentice, Ren was expected to take over command of the First Order.

That was another disaster waiting to happen, Hux thought. Ren had led the mission on Crait like a child, letting his own personal history get in the way of eliminating the blasted Resistance once and for all.

Now, Hux stood in Snoke’s receiving rooms on the Finalizer, beside the commanders of their other two Star Destroyers. Ren was seated on the throne in the middle of the room. His usual black garb was now woven with seams of red and silver, and his large cloak now sported a gold trim. Hux thought that at least for once, Ren finally looked like he belonged to the First Order.

 

“I suggest, Supreme Leader, that you move your command to the _Devastation._ She is the youngest of the Star Destroyers we have available and so the most suitable from which to command while repairs are started on the _Supremacy._ ” Admiral Aktan had stepped forward. She was the youngest commanding officer in the First Order and had a deadly reputation to match her threatening appearance. “Knights Jetta, Kek and Nisha are also on board, having just returned from Dathomir.”

Admiral Rasga and General Definan were quick to argue, the room echoing with their voices as they grew louder and louder. The arguing was quickly cut off by the sounds of choking. “General Hux, your thoughts?” Hux was astonished and deeply disturbed. He had expected Ren to simply do as he pleased, regardless of tactics or strategy, compounding his disaster on Crait. _This_ Ren, the one asking for advice and opinions was terrifying to the General.

A disengaged, raging, childish Kylo Ren was a disaster that could be controlled and eventually overthrown, but _this_ powerful, calm, focused Kylo Ren was dangerous.

 

Yes. Hux thought, it was honestly a disaster that Holdo had rammed her ship through the _Supremacy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	25. Howl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning to those reading this.  
> There is the death of a child in this chapter, it isn't shown, nor is it described, but there is our character's responses to the child's death. 
> 
> If you would find it triggering to read about this, please stop here and wait for the next chapter (or go and read the others over again!)
> 
> Love always  
> NoctisSicarius

Howl

_Noun_

  1. A long doleful cry uttered by an animal such as a dog or wolf.



 

Poe could hardly stand to watch as Rey once again threw her head back in a wail, howling her grief to the sky as she cradled the small child to her chest. No one dared to approach her; the Force came off her in waves so strong that even non-sensitives could feel the power in the air and watch as tracks were carved in the dust around her.

Even Kylo stood warily at the edges of the circle around her. There had been outraged cries and shouts when he had materialised from thin air in front of them, but the look on his face had stopped Poe from executing him there and then. He looked almost as anguished as Rey sounded.

The child in Rey’s arms was Luma, a twelve-year-old Twi’lek that Rey had been mentoring in the Force. She was well-liked in the Resistance, a happy orphaned child who always knew exactly what to say. _Force Empath_ , Rey had called her, unable to read minds but able to sense feelings more easily than breathing. It made for interesting conversations when she would randomly blurt out someone’s secrets or desires, not realising that others couldn’t sense these things.

But now, Luma was gone, that bright little spark wiped from the universe by a pack of Gutkurrs left over from the Imperial occupation of the planet Ryloth. At least the disgusting things were dead, their bodies lay in smoking piles around the clearing, most chopped into pieces by Rey’s saberstaff.

Rey let out another howl, rocking Luma against her, begging her to wake up. That seemed to be the final straw for Kylo, who began slowly walking towards Rey. Kaydel, Finn and a few others all raised their blasters toward him, but Poe waved them off.  Kylo wasn’t going to hurt their Jedi.

 

They all watched silently as Kylo Ren knelt behind Rey and pulled her into his chest, allowing her to sob into his clothes as Luma’s body disappeared into the Force.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	26. Message

_Noun_

  1. A verbal, written or recorded communication sent to or left for a recipient that cannot be contacted directly.
  2. A significant political, social or moral point that is being conveyed by film, speech etc.



 

It was taunting her, that little red light letting her know that her holo-pad was recording. She had it all planned out--what she was going to say, how she would say it. But now, faced with recording the actual message, Rey was completely terrified.

She’d managed to convince Poe to let her send a holo message to Ben and had even gotten him to agree that he wouldn’t open it ( _and if she used the Force to get that concession, no one had to know but her)_.

All those meticulous plans and carefully drafted, revised, and re-drafted words had flown out of Rey’s head as soon as she pressed “record.” Taking a deep breath, Rey began to speak.

“Hi, Ben, I managed to get Poe to allow me to send you this. I hope he actually stays true to his word and actually gets it to you, unopened. And I hope he wasn’t lying to me when he said you were alive.” Rey furrowed her brow, annoyed at the wavering quality her voice had taken on. Shaking herself, she sat up straight and looked directly into the camera.

“I read your letters. Every one of them. Right to the end.” She gave a hollow chuckle, “Gods, I could probably recite your own words back to you, I’ve read them so much.”

“Life here is boring--endless meetings and public appearances, shaking of hands and small talk. I honestly have no idea how you survived this for so long as a child. I can barely stand it now. All those damn expectations. _The Jedi Rey._ ” Her tone had turned mocking, imitating the people that slapped her with a label she had never claimed. She wasn’t a Jedi. “I usually go and hide in the libraries here to escape them. I’ve learnt three more languages since you last saw me--Basic, Shyriiwook, Huttese, Bocce, Binary, and now Mando’a, Sith and Hapan;  I’m probably going to learn to write Aurebesh and Huttese by hand too.”

A stray tear slipped out of Rey’s eye. She swiped at it angrily, dropping her head to study her hands. “I wish you were here to teach me that--to teach me how to make the loops and swirls you put in your letters. To write my own name. To write yours, instead of a droid.”

“I wish you could have been here to see Finn and Rose get married. They weren’t your friends, but everyone was so happy that I’m sure even you would have cracked a smile, especially when Rose slammed a plate of cake into Poe’s face.” A watery smile played over her features as she remembered Poe’s frosting-covered shocked expression as Rose glared at him. All for pinching her ass.

“I wish you had been here when I finally finished my saber.” She raised her eyes to give the camera a half-hearted glare. “You’ll be pleased to know that my beautiful golden saberstaff that you cleaved in half has been repaired. I had to replace one of the crystals. It’s now half gold and half purple, _and_ can withstand being struck by another lightsaber.”

“I wish you had been here when I found my parents. You were half-right when you told me they sold me for drink. It wasn’t drink, it was spice.” Tears poured freely down Rey’s face now as she recalled meeting her parents. She'd found them in a prison on Coruscant. They didn’t recognise her and when they did, they told her they should have held onto her--she would have made more money as a grown pleasure slave than whatever price they'd gotten from Plutt.

 

* * *

 

Ben was sitting on his tiny bed in the bunker that was now his home. Outside, rain lashed against his home, the wind whistling through the trees and making the glass shake. That might have been him, though--the Force flowing off him rattled everything as he listened to Rey’s life without him.

He had just about broken down when the _Pilot_ had chucked the holo at him when he dropped off the latest round of supplies.

 _It’s from Rey, monster. I promised her I’d give it to you, and I can’t seem to stop myself. I couldn’t even open it. You don’t deserve the supplies I give you, let alone a holo,_ he’d all but spat at Ben in his anger. Poe had jetted off the second all the supplies were offloaded.

That was a week ago, and he’d only now just worked up the courage to open the holo. He’d wept as soon as Rey’s face had appeared before him. _Maker,_ she was gorgeous. He listened as she told him everything that had happened in the year since she had started reading his letters. _He couldn’t believe that it had already been that long_.

He watched and listened as she told him about Finn and Rose, about her parents, about Poe and the new Galactic Senate. He wept as she told him about her nightmares, about her fears, about missing him. He wished that he could have been there to hold her at night and hug her as she cried. He watched and watched until the holo flickered out, and he assumed that was it. Just an update, but then she reappeared, seemingly having had a talk with herself. This was a determined Rey.

“No, screw that. I promised myself I would be brave, and I am not going to be a coward now. I am going to find out where you are, Solo, because I want you to hear my actual voice when I tell you those words you promised me in your letters. I want to be there, with you. Holding you. No more of this nonsense, no more grovelling to Poe. I am going to come and get you, and we are going to march straight into Coruscant and tell Poe where he can stick it if he tries to take you from me again.”

She breathed in deeply, “Because our story isn’t over yet. You and I have some visions to make true, and until that happens, I am not letting anyone keep you from me. I’ve placed a tracking algorithm within the operating system of this holo, so as soon as it is activated, the signal will ping out your location. It's virtually undetectable. I made you a promise, Ben, and I am going to keep it.”

Rey smiled at him one last time, before the holo message collapsed. Ben sat in shock as he processed everything she had said. A smile broke over his face. _Finally, I am finally going home._

So he packed his bunker as best he could, and settled in to wait for his Rey of sunshine to come brighten up this rainy place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	27. Heartbreak

Heartbreak

_Noun_

  1. An overwhelming distress.



 

At first, she simply put it away--stored it in a box that had long ago been filled to overflowing with all the pain she had endured in her life. Leia dreaded the day that the box actually flew open. She didn’t know if she would survive that now.

 

Leia began experiencing pain in her chest. She was going to ignore it until Rey--sweet, innocent Rey--noticed her discomfort and marched her to the medics. Luckily, Rey had been distracted by Poe, who was off on another one of his harebrained supply runs and had to be dragged away before Leia could get the results.

Leia was glad Rey was distracted when she got the diagnosis. _Broken Heart Syndrome._ It wasn’t fatal, and it usually sorted itself out.  However, the _reason_ that it was called Broken Heart Syndrome was what felled Leia.

Though she was never one to retreat, Leia was struck by the sudden desire to hide away in her chambers and weep. She numbly rose to her feet and walked into the corridors. She acted on autopilot, greeting those she passed on the way to her rooms.

“General Organa?” Leia started at Connix’s voice. The young lieutenant watched Leia with a concerned look on her face.  “Are you okay, General?”

“Yes, yes, I’m fine, Kaydel. If you wouldn’t mind sending Rey to my quarters when she gets back from whatever Poe has dragged her into this time?” she replied distractedly, her eyes looking straight through Connix, not focusing on anything. Yes-- _Rey_ , she needed _Rey_.

Leia turned and headed into her chambers, not waiting to hear Connix's reply. The weak winter sun  streamed into her quarters, casting her room in a pale glow. The sunlight reflected from something, causing Leia to squint.

She walked over to her desk, looking for the offending object. She sobbed when she saw it.  It was her wedding ring, sitting in the little whittled box Han had made for her. The stone shone brilliantly. Leia stumbled back, her knees hitting the edge of her bed as she collapsed.

She shook with sobs as she was overwhelmed by the heartbreak she had refused to let herself feel.   She wept for the loss of her brother, a constant in her adult life despite his detached ways. She wept for her husband, a man who had tried so damn hard to be what she needed in a partner, before he'd finally given in to his nature. But most of all, Leia wept for her son. She wept for not seeing what her busy schedule was doing to her only child. She wept for the pain she'd put him through, leaving him for cycles upon cycles with only droids and nannies for company. She wept for not listening to her son and the Force as both begged her to go back for him, to keep him with her.

She cried and cried, her small form shaking violently. She didn’t notice Rey come into the room, the Force swirling around her, seeking out any way to help. Leia wept harder at that--Rey, this girl whose past should have made her bitter and tough.  Despite that, Rey still only saw the best in people, even Leia herself.

Leia continued to weep, her heartbreak finally given room to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr and an awesome human for sticking with me this damn long! 
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	28. Love

Love

_Noun_

  1. A strong feeling of affection.
  2. A great interest or pleasure in something.



_Verb_

  1. Feel deep affection or sexual love for (someone).



 

People only really talked about the best parts of being in love--the tingles when you touch, catching each other looking, the feeling of waking up with someone in your arms, the feeling of caring so deeply and knowing the other person felt the same.

 

But people never talked about the other side of the coin--the pain when the one you love is halfway across the galaxy, the agony when the one you love hates you in return, the soul-shattering knowledge that their feelings are all your fault.

 

That was how Ben felt now. He had it all. He was ruler of the known universe. The Resistance was in no position to challenge his power as he took control of planet after planet. Even Hux had fallen into line. The galaxy had never been happier. When the conquest was over, he started helping. He'd abolished slavery, removed gangs from seats of power and replaced them with governments of local beings, improved safety and moved the capital of the First Order to the Mid-Rim, deflating the egos of those in the Core. Naboo was known for their fair treatment of all; it was the perfect location for the fledgling empire.

He had accomplished all of this, something many _(including his mother)_ thought impossible, and yet he felt hollow. He was convinced that if a med-droid went looking for his heart, all it would find was  an empty space; his heart was with Rey.

As the days of the new galactic government turned into years, and people realised the good that the First Order brought them, the galaxy slowly began moving forward again. Ben chose his projects based on what he thought Rey would want. He set up a galactic database for orphans to find their relatives. He freed the stormtroopers from their conditioning and paid them a decent wage, not punishing any that chose to live their lives away from the Order. He approved construction projects in the Outer Rim and opened new hyperlanes between the Core worlds and the rest of the galaxy.

But the pain in his chest never faltered; and Rey didn’t appear.

 

One night, after tossing and turning restlessly in his bed, Ben decided to go for a walk along the shores of the lakes surrounding the Imperial Palace on Naboo. He pulled on his pants and a pair of boots--hesitating before clipping his lightsaber to his belt--and headed out into the night, waving off his guard.

 

He walked along the sandy shores, the gentle breeze cooling the sweat on his bare chest, looking out at the water, turned silver in the moonlight, and sparkling like crystals as the tiny waves broke on the shore. For the first time in years he felt calm, like the roiling in his gut had finally settled. He wasn’t sure what made him turn around. It wasn’t the Force; it was deeper than that. More primal. He ignited his saber as he turned, expecting a threat.

His saber immediately fell from his hand as he observed the woman standing in front of him. It turned the sand to glass before shutting off with its distinctive crackle. They were left in silence. Ben felt like he had been punched in the gut, the air taken from his lungs as he stared at Rey. He blinked once, twice to make sure that he wasn’t imagining her there.

She had changed slightly since he had last seen her on the _Finalizer_. Her hair reached to her hips now, even when tied back, and she had slight curves. He could still see the corded muscle in her arms. But even with these changes, she was unmistakably his Rey, bathed in moonlight and looking like a goddess.

Yes, he thought, people only spoke of the good parts about love. He had experienced the painful side, but nothing compared to the exquisite pain that was seeing the one you love after so long apart.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr and an awesome human for sticking with me this damn long! 
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	29. Ocean

Ocean

_Noun_

  1. A large expanse of sea, in particular each of the main areas into which the seas are divided geographically.
  2. The sea.
  3. A very large expanse or quantity.



 

Rey had dreamed of the ocean for as long as she could remember. She'd dreamed of Islands surrounded by water as far as the eye could see in every direction, deep blue and vast—beautiful, she had thought.

When Kylo Ren had pulled those dreams out of her head, her vision of oceans had soured, their beauty tainted by the knowledge that those images weren’t _hers_ any more.

Now, as she sat in a windblown hut on the very islands she had imagined, drenched through and half drowned from falling into the ocean, Rey had a very different opinion. What once she saw as beautiful and freeing, she now associated with two of her worst memories. Being abducted by Kylo Ren, and then being so close to finding out abpit family, only to be left even more alone than when she arrived.

As she had struggled back to shore, the ocean heaved in violent waves, bashing her against the rocky sand as she tried to get to land before she was pulled back to be thrown against the shore again and again.

Oceans now held a very different place in Rey’s mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr and an awesome human for sticking with me this damn long! 
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	30. Grasp

Grasp

_Verb_

  1. Seize or hold firmly.



 

Kylo didn’t understand how it had happened. Well, actually, he did--he had royally muddied the water between him and Rey, but he didn’t understand what had led him to tearing all their progress to shreds.

For a brief, shining moment, he had everything he wanted firmly within his grasp. His tormentor was dead, his equal was beside him, standing for him, and the Force was holding its breath, waiting so patiently to see where he would choose to take it.

And then, like a fool, he had allowed his firm grasp on the situation to slide, offering Rey things he knew, _he knew_ she wasn’t ready to accept.

So now, he stood tall in his chambers with his hand behind his back, as Rey stood across from him, her eyes holding nothing but pain. And that is what hurt the most.

His entire life, he had been a disappointment. To his father, he was too quiet and bookish. To his mother, he was too shy and softly spoken. To Luke he was too brash, too full of feelings. To Snoke he was never angry enough, never dark enough. For his own part, he cursed himself for being _unlovable_. But to Rey? When he had disappointed her so thoroughly, her eyes held no trace of the disappointment that he was so used to seeing when people looked at him. Just pain.

This amazing woman, who he had let slip through his fingers just watched him with pain borne of someone who was used to not being chosen. So like himself. And he let her slip through his grasp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr and an awesome human for sticking with me this damn long! 
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


	31. Sacrifice Re-Dux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW! What a wild ride this has been! 31 different chapters for 31 different prompts and holy hells was that an experience. I have a few people I'd like to thank. First and foremost is my fantastic Beta Kate_Reid . She has been a huge help making sure I don't make rookie mistakes and cleaning up my very messy writing! Second is to situation_normal. Your comments are always a highlight of my day and I thank you so so much for continuing to read and comment on this hot mess of a fic!  
> Lastly, but certifiably not least are jamiereads, shattered_quill, Wookiesauntie70, Charmruhnke, savvywrites1115, Baby_babushka, RynaVratasky, ecka2, Lilander, Flawless_Sorcerer_Supreme, the 14 other guests who left Kudos on my work and ~800 people who decided that my work was worth at least clicking. You have made this an absoulte joy for my first foray into writing! Thank you!  
> Love  
> NoctisSicarius

Sacrifice

_Verb_

  1. Give up (something valued) for the sake of other considerations.



Leia knew sacrifice.

Han knew sacrifice.

Anakin knew sacrifice.

Obi-Wan knew sacrifice.

Palpatine and Vader and Snoke knew sacrifice.

Ben and Rey knew sacrifice.

Luke knew sacrifice.

The galaxy knew sacrifice.

And the Force knew pain.

For thousands of years, the Force knew only pain, as the beings that it had blessed with power splintered, fracturing its soul. It remembered a time when it was whole. When the Living Force and the Cosmic Force shaped the universe to be a balanced place, full of its scions to interpret its will.

But now, now the Force was bleeding. It had given life to the universe, had sacrificed its own power to see balance through the galaxy, and was rewarded with disunity and pain. So it waited. It created Revan and Bastila, hoping they would balance out the disunity between the Sith and Jedi, but the universe wasn’t ready for them. So the Force waited, sacrificing its balance until it tried again. This time, it tried one person. Manifested him into a woman’s womb, sure that his humble beginning would lead to greatness. But again, the Force was split even further. So it waited, until it sensed a boy. Just a few cells by this point, nestled in Leia Skywalker Organa’s womb.

 The power this baby had would rival his grandfather's, and so the Force waited until he presented, wanting to get this right, willing to sacrifice a few more years for a balance that would last. When he awoke to his power, the Force knew he needed a counterweight. This boy’s soul was Grey, the way it should have been, responding to the Force’s pain. So he sought the universe for another, and found a child, her parents heading towards a desert planet. She was unwanted, and so, so afraid. So the Force gave her its gift, balancing her soul with the boy's, then hiding the Force from her.

Sure that this time things would work out, the Force waited patiently for time to pass. It could sacrifice a few more years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr and an awesome human for sticking with me this damn long! 
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Kate_Reid for Beta'ing this hot mess. She's @calledalaska on Tumblr and an awesome human for sticking with me this damn long! 
> 
> Happy for constructive criticism in the comments.  
> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @noctissicarius if you want to have a chat!


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